"This program will maximize every work out. It is designed as an intense full body workout that is guaranteed to burn more calories and fat in a single workout than anything you have ever tried before."
"...than anything I have ever tried before". Well I had tried to do 40 fucktrillion pullups and failed miserably, so how ELSE are they planning to humiliate me?
This morning's group was a pleasant mix of plump ladies and fat old dudes like myself. The instructor, a female, looked as though she could straight Over The Top my ass Stallone-style (It's like a switch). Our warmpup consisted of 50 rope jumps (jumpropes? I'm not sure the the proper noun form of this exercise), walking pushups for about 20 feet, 30 seconds of reverse planking, 5 muscle ups (using a bar to pull yourself to the waist, kind of like getting out of a pool), 5 ring-rows (using rings to pull yourself up. Think reverse-pushup), and 50 feet of walking lunges.
I worked through the warmup pretty darn easily. I DID happen to notice that I got through it with less difficulty than most people, but I wasn't ready to declare myself the Pope of Bootcamp Town quite yet, given that they hadn't posted the workout yet.
When She-Stallone (Shellone?) did post the workout I thought I might have to break out the Rosetta Stone to translate it. Basically, the workout consisted of 4 couplet workouts. We were told to do 10 reps of the first, then move to the second and do 10 of that. Once that cycle is complete, we start over and do 9 and 9 and descend as such. We were to do this for 5 minutes. The clever lady even posted "5 minutes of Heaven" as the name of the workout. Our idea of heaven varies vastly, as I saw nothing indicating there would be bacon, burritos, or BJ's involved. The couplets were as follows:
Handstand pullups
Box-jump burpies (burpies, where you have to jump up on a box)
Famer carrys (just walking with big-ass kettlebells for 50 feet
Air squats
Pullups (fuck the hell shit puke out of pullups)
Double skips (jumping rope and getting two rounds under per jump)
Tractor wheel flips
Situps
Because everyone couldn't start with the same couplet, we were given our choice. Like the crafty motherfucker I am I elected to go with the easiest one first, as I was pretty apprehensive about those handstand pullups. My group consisted of two old dudes, so I was pleased with my choice.
The farmer carry's were almost as easy as it sounds. After about 3 minutes or so I was starting to get nervous as to whether I'd be able to pull off my fake pullups with such tired arms. Air squats were just that. The only thing difficult about those is trying not to look like an old lady in front of a TV fitness show.
I wasn't even fucking around at the pullups. I went right for the lady strap, hooked myself in and gave it my best effort for the first three. After that if the top of my head came in the general vicinity of the bar I counted it a rep. That's what I get for trying. My arms were so dead I fumbled through my double skips like a drunken half-wit. I let everyone know that I thought the ropes were too short and not suitable for my tall frame. I'm a genius.
The tractor wheel flips were pretty damned easy. Possibly because it's ingrained in my Iowan DNA to be able to throw a tractor wheel around, but between that and the situps it felt like a rest.
Then came the handstand pushups. What the fuck is the point of these anyway? No, I can't balance against a wall and do pushups whilst upside down. Yes, I did it the girls way but using a step instead, you want to fight about it? The box jump burpies, combined with attempting pushups upside down brought me right to the brink of puking. I couldn't let that happen in front of these old, fat dudes. If anything if I were going to puke it should have been during the class with the fit chicks, THAT'S more of an appropriate fate for me.
Having finished the "5 Minutes of Heaven" cycle, I figured we were done for the day, so I plopped my ass on a box and rested. As it turns out, Shellone had different plans. She instructed us to partner up.
Haha, good try, Shellone. I've fallen for this one before. Walking right past the hot, in shape chicks I found me the biggest fat-ass dude I could find. The portly bastard was friendly enough and kind of looked like a fat, brunette version of the Greatest American Hero.
Friendly fella introduced himself, but I was too busy trying to stifle the pukes to listen, and he volunteered to go first for our Finisher, which consisted of 10, 20-second situp sessions throwing a medicine ball to our partner who is standing on a box as we reach the top of the situp. Throwing a big, heavy ball at a fat dude struggling through pushups was about as good of a rest between my own sets as I could ask for.
After that was done Shellone did some short stretches with us and we were dismissed. I tried bolting out of there, but I noticed the douche with the individual toe shoes was picking up stuff, which I guess is a common courtesy. I'll accept the humiliation of being mocked by a hottie with huge fake tits, and being unable to do my pullup sets without a girlie-strap, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this ass clown out-class me. I hauled all the ketllebells back to their spot (which was not as easy as I thought). I made sure to glare at DoucheShoe while doing this to let him know that there was a NEW classy cowboy in town, fucker.
I've gone to a four CrossFit classes and spent the last week sticking to a (mostly) paleo diet. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to declare my body the finest in the world at this point. All I'm saying is that Channing Tatum is fortunate that the Sexiest Man Alive voting took place earlier this year, because his ass would've been a distant second if I had decided to do this in September.
In reality, of course, I don't look or feel different. Well, aside from being incredibly sore all the time and almost always hungry. I think what is important is what I DON'T feel, and that is like a worthless piece of shit. Don't have as much money as I'd like? No problem, I'm not a complete piece of shit because I'm treating my body like a temple. Not making as much money as I’d like? Well at least I’m not a sedentary piece of shit. Had my fly down most of the day in front of a hot chick? No problem. One, I think she might appreciate my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle underwear, and two, if she doesn’t who cares? I’m taking a productive approach to my fitness, bitch.
Furthermore, working my ass off every other day or so has made it easier for me to apply myself to more productive in other facets of my life. It now seems like a waste of time to sit around and do nothing, how am I improving myself? Along the same lines, sticking to a diet consisting of meat and vegetables is not the challenge I expected it to be either, because I don’t want to counteract all of the work I’ve done. It doesn’t even seem like a sacrifice to not dive into the jar of M&M’s my co-worker keeps at her desk just for me. I liken when I became a father. All of the things that I had previously thought were important to me (free time, getting drunk, seeing obscure movies, and going out) all of the sudden had some perspective cast on them and were given up without a regret or second thought in favor of something more rewarding and awe-inspiring. I went to a dive bar today to watch football and I ordered a chicken breast with a side salad instead of fries. Two weeks ago I would have put the likelihood of that happening as ranging between hitting the Powerball and shitting platinum eggs. I suppose this is what the self-help books would call inertia of good habits, or some other quasi-motivating tripe. All I know is that I’m not feeling worthless, and that’s an upgrade.
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