Crossfit has been cancelled the last couple rounds due to what meteorologists are calling a metric fuck-ton of snow. It was kind of disappointing, to tell the truth. I had imagined our WODs would end up being the Rocky IV kind where we bear-crawl up a snowy mountain, or deadlift carriages of fat, drunk Italians.
Instead it was box-jumps. Plain, simple box-jumps.
My initial class of 15 has been weeded out to myself, two trolls, and two other ladies. Buff Billy Mays was the trainer today, and he seemed real less-than-enthused about being there. It might be because he had just spent the last 4 days in Vegas, or perhaps because he was intimidated by my studliness. I like to think it was the latter.
The warmup tonight was more intense than usual--which is to say it was slightly more intense than morning aerobics at the old-folks home. It was 3 rounds of 15 air squats, 12 pushups, and 9 ring rows. After that BBM got to explaining the astounding complexity of the box-jump maneuver, which is. . . jumping up on a box. The dimmest of the trolls was not present, so it was a relatively quick demo. He first demonstrated the technique to the ladies by stacking up a couple plates. To me, he simply said "just jump on the box". It's good to have one's awesomeness publicly recognized.
The workout, such as it was, was simply to row 500m (which is starting to suck fairly mightily) and do 15 box jumps. Three rounds of this.
Because there were so few of us, we all jumped on the rowers. Naturally, I finished first. I went to my box, which was put at 36 inches, because I'm a motherfucking boss. I tried my first jump and my quads seized up on me and I barely made it.
Shit, what the hell is wrong with me?
I tried it again, and the same thing happened. It was like a charleyhorse in my quads, which has never happened. I had to stop for a second and figure out what was going on. Meanwhile, the ladies and the trolls were done with their rowing and jumping up on their 3 plates like a bunch of jackrabbits. I had to stretch and warm up like I was about to compete for the Olympic 100m dash. The trolls were back on their rowers by the time I could get back to doing my first round of box-jumps.
BBM had instructed me to "just row" as he didn't want me to get hurt jumping up on a fucking box. Like I'm going to take that slight to my manhood. I get to jumping, and seizures be damned, I finish that shit off like a champ.
My rowing skills, impressive though they are, were unable to catch up with the trolls after this delay. They were up on their plates again before I could finish my next 500m. When I got back up on my box the same thing happened. My legs would freeze up just as I jumped. I had to stretch out again, losing valuable manhood points. I could get beat by a chick who is a boxer and be OK with myself, but if I can't finish before these trolls I should just surrender my penis and become a eunuch.
Fortunately for me, I can row like Santiago and caught up with the ladies in the third round. Seizing be damned, I one-legged my box-jumps and finished a full minute ahead of them with my manhood (somewhat) in tact.
The finisher was simply 3 rounds of pushups and situps. I was tempted to volunteer to do my pushups one-handed, but the fact that I can't really do one one-armed pushup prevented me from doing so. Plus, I was still reeling a bit from the fact that I had almost been beaten by a couple trolls.
I've got two more noob short bus classes, then we re-test from the first day and see how our times have improved. From there, I will have to decide whether to actually pay for a full membership somewhere or sculpt my bodacious bod in another fashion.
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